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OH HULLO, THIS IS PART 5!

Transcript

The video opens up on the exterior of a house, then cuts inside to a room with cheap paneling on the walls and clutter all over, and finally cuts to a door. The door opens with a creak, and Harry pokes his head inside and looks around.

Harry: Hello?

Harry and Tim walk up a flight of stairs.

Harry: Hello!

Tim: Are you sure about this? Just… breaking into a person’s home?

By now, Pete has joined Harry and Tim on the stairs. Harry pulls out the map.

Harry: Well, it’s what the map says. “Go down the Chestnut, nearest in sight, where the brick castles lay, third one on the right.” This is Chestnut Road, and this is the third house on the right, so it’s got to be it.

Dr. Rex: Harry, Is this going to take long, because I’m concerned about Hilary. I don’t think he’s doing alright.

Harry, Tim and Pete look down the stairs. Cut down the stairs to Hilary, staring at his hands, clearly stunned and possibly coming unhinged. Billy, just a few steps above Hilary, looks on in concern.

Hilary: They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they?! My little friends! I just couldn’t hold on to them!

Cut to a shot looking up the stairs at Harry, Tim, Pete and Billy staring at Hilary.

Harry: I’m sure he’ll be fine. Let’s go downstairs!

The four of them turn and prepare to go down the stairs when they are surprised by Eric appearing at the door. Tabatha and GG stand off to one side.

Eric: Oh Harry! I found a great book for TJ! It’s called Goatbangers for Dummies!

Tim: How does he keep finding us?

Eric continues undaunted, while Harry walks down the stairs towards him.

Eric: According to this book, TJ's problem stems from the fact that he’s emotionally disconnected from others. TJ, I understand you. And I accept you.

TJ shrugs and gives Eric two thumbs up. Harry walks up to Eric, teeth clenched in a grimacing smile.

Harry: Eric! Good job. Really, really, good job. I am so proud of you!

Eric: So does that mean I can finally be part of your special team?

Harry: Almost, Eric. Almost. There’s just one more tiny little mission I want you to run-

Harry is interrupted by Eric

Eric: This is stupid! You always send me on these stupid missions, and they don’t amount to anything! And they’re stupid! Your team doesn’t want me because you think GoAnimate does nothing. Nothing!

Harry: Eric! That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Eric: Okay. What’s this special mission you want from me!?

Harry: The special mission is…

Eric looks expectantly.

Harry: Go get me a coffee.

Harry pats Eric on the cheek and walks away. Cut to Tim and Billy walking down the stairs and away. Eric, stunned, turns and leaves. Cut to another room, where Harry pokes his head around a corner again.

Harry: Uh-oh. This place is occupied.

Cut to a long-haired man sitting in a recliner.

Amanda: *Japanese* I'm gonna use my power to make his eye go boom!

Amanda walks up to the Long-Haired Man. 

Amanda: Let's play together!

She attempts to "destroy" the LHM to squeezing his "eye" by squeezing her hand. However, the LHM seems unfazed.

Long-Haired Man: You guys are here for the quest thing, right?

Amanda drops her hand, disappointed. Pete and Harry look at each other.

Pete: Yes.

LHM: It’s over there.

Harry: Thanks.

Harry and Pete follow LHM’s directions, while Amanda looks at LHM, clearly put out. She walks away, muttering.

Amanda: *English* Consider yourself lucky. I would’ve just used my kung-fu prowess on you instead.

The team finds a leather-bound book sitting on a desk. Harry picks it up and starts to open it.

Brodi: What is this?

Harry has opened the book and starts to thumb through the pages.

Lee: Looks like a book of spells.

Harry: Energy beams, tracking spells…

Emily comes up from behind Harry and points to a page.

Emily: Ooh, ooh! There’s a booky-mark thingy there! What does that page say?

Harry pulls up the post-it note serving as a bookmark and reads the page.

Harry: Klaatu barada neccti.

The book begins to glow and shake, causing Harry to drop it. The book continues to glow and a man in disheveled hair, glasses, and a Hawaiian shirt materializes in front of the team.

Man: Oh... Oh, what a rush, man.

Cut to the Mysterious Person walking along a trail. He stops and looks behind him, then turns and quickly heads back the way he came. Cut back to the room and the disheveled man.

Billy: Hey, that’s the guy from the TV!

Harry: Yeah, you’re Clark Jarrold!

Jarrold: Guilty.

Tabatha: What the heck were you doing in a book?

Jarrold: Oh, well, that’s the Mysterious Person's book, man. He’s the one who put me in there.

Harry: Wait a minute. The Mysterious Person, as in, “The Mysterious Person’s Hand” Mysterious Person? He did this?

Jarrold: Oh yeah. He found out what I was doing and wasn’t too happy. That dude is messed up.

Harry: How long have you been in there?

Jarrold: Um… What year is it?

Lee: 2018.

Jarrold: Thirty years, man! That’s gotta be a record!

Amanda: So what have you been doing trapped in a book all this time?

Jarrold: Reading, mostly. A lot of reading.

Harry: That’s not important. Who is this Mysterious Person guy, and how do you know him?

Jarrold: Well, first I thought he was just a hardcore D&D player. A little too hardcore. I was researching a LARP game I wanted to write called “Gauntlets of Razzmatazz.” He seemed into it. A little too into it. So I was doing some research on the gauntlet, and he was obsessed. Too obsessed! He went on and on about how he’d been searching for it for all these years. *Jaffers pulls out a photograph.* And I dug it, man, I really dug it. The way he made it all sound – he made it sound all real. *Jaffers begins to hand the photo over to Harry, who reaches for it, but Jaffers pulls it back at the last second.* A little too real. *Harry grabs the photo.* And that’s when it hit me. *He hits himself in the head.* It was real! But I was too late. A little too, too late.

Brodi comes up behind Harry.

Brodi: *Muttering* One of our greatest thinkers.

Harry looks at the photo. It’s the Mysterious Person.

Jarrold: So I grabbed all my research – everything on the gauntlet – and high-tailed it. Then, using the last clues I assembled from Tobin’s Spirit Guide, I finally found where the gauntlet was buried. But I couldn’t let him have it! I knew that if he ever got his hands on that device, it’d be bad voodoo for everybody. So I tried to banish him into this book, but that didn’t go as well as I’d planned.

At the back of the team, Hilary has another breakdown.

Hilary: Big! Strong! Hands!

Rest of the Team excluding Emily: Shut up!

Jarrold: Fortunately, I left the bookmark in the book, so you picked up right where I left off – the resurrection spell!

Harry: But what about the gauntlet?

Jarrold: Well, I hid it in another location. That’s what the game and map were for. So only the true of heart could find it.

Lee: Well, then why couldn’t this Mysterious Person guy find it?

Jarrold: Well, the MP has no love of games, and no heart to screw around with kids’ stuff like riddles, man. You have to have dreams, imagination, the brains of a five-year-old.

Emily: *Cheerfully* Ooh, I do!

Jarrold: This whole thing I wrote is a quest, something for those who love fantasy, and want to keep it alive, man. Unlike him. That’s why I had my friends serve as obstacles.

TJ: Obstacles?

Harry: Wait a minute. Those nutballs chasing us, those were your friends?

Jarrold: Well, yeah. I even taught them a bunch of the magic that the Mysterious Person taught me. Dark stuff.

Billy: Oh, so that’s why they can do all those cool things.

Jarrold: Yeah. As I said, once the Mysterious Person found out what I was up to, he banished me into the book. Well, until you guys came along. Hey, did you guys ever hear “The President Worse Than Carter?”

Emily: *Shyly* U-Um, but why would he leave the booky-book?

Jarrold: I guess he just figured no one would ever look for it here.

The team looks back at LHM, still staring at the television.

Harry: I can see that. But, Jarrold, where did this Mysterious Person guy come from?

Jarrold: Oh, well, you see that is an epic tale. For many centuries ago- Wait, who are you guys, anyway?

Harry: Oh. We’re characters from a Smash Bros-inspired series on the internet called All Star Smashers. We’re looking for the gauntlet.

Jarrold: Internet? Not that Defense Department crap?

Harry: Oh, no, no, no, no. It’s a completely different place now.

Billy: No, now it’s just a place for people to do let's plays of all the popular recent online games…

Tim: Purchase various things on Amazon.com…

Lee: Oh, and DVD unboxings!

The team loudly agrees with him.

Jarrold: Oh man. Aw, no, no, no. No, that’s sick! That’s – that’s not gonna do at all! I mean, it’s supposed to be, like, only the pure of heart can find the gauntlet, and you guys…

The team smiles. Emily cheerfully waves at Jarrold.

Jarrold: No, this isn’t gonna work at all. I’m, uh, I’m afraid I’m gonna, y’know, like, have to kill ya.

Jarrold searches a nearby shelf. The team is confused. Jarrold finds a pistol, but can’t load it correctly, muttering to himself as he fiddles with the gun.

Jarrold: Hold on. Just don’t go anywhere.

He finally gets the clip loaded.

Jarrold: Oh, there we go. Oh, crap, the safety’s on.

Jarrold continues to fiddle with the gun.

Harry: Do we, uh…

Jarrold: Just give me one second here.

He messes with the gun once more. 

Jarrold: Perfect.

He slides the slide back.

Jarrold: All-righty.

Jarrold fires at the team, but misses.

Harry: Jesus!

The team bolts out of the room, all while Jarrold continues to fire haphazardly. Hilary, passing by, continues to whine about his strong hands. LHM waves goodbye to the team as they leave. Tim, passing by, calls out for Crom, while Harry tells everybody to “go, go, go!”

Harry: *Stopping short* The map!

Harry turns back to get the map, but leaves anyway, as Jaffers is still shooting in every conceivable direction. The team runs out the door and leaves the house. Back inside, Jarrold approaches LHM.

Jarrold: Hey, man, thanks for letting me stay here for thirty years. I was trapped in a book.

LHM: Awesome.

Cut to a trail in the woods, where the three Shadows walk menacingly toward the camera.

Yuuki: Other Shadows is to wait for me!

The Shadows turn back and see Yuuki, now himself a Shadow, but still as skinny and not menacing at all, walking through a field.

Yuuki: You is all fast and tall and than me!

Shadow 2:: We gotta get rid of this guy. He’s seriously ruining our image!

Shadow 1:: You think I don’t know that?

Shadow 3:: Let’s ditch the gibberish moron!

Shadow 1:: No. Anyone who converts to our side is a valued asset.

There is a crash off screen.

Shadow!Yuuki: *Young Link scream* Me just spread ankle! You can have me carry?

Shadow 1 sighs. Cut to Shadow 2 carrying Shadow!Yuuki.

Shadow!Yuuki: It’s such a wonderful day outside. We is to play flowers with no guard! *He gasps in delight.* me make flower bed for Shadow Two Number!

Shadow!Yuuki: *Putting Shadow!Yuuki down* Right! Group meeting!

The three Shadows huddle together.

Shadow!Yuuki: Yayayay! We is talk about what?

Shadow 1: Look! A butterfly!

Shadow!Yuuki: Where?!

Shadow!Yuuki dashes off to follow the butterfly while the other Shadows resume their huddle.

Shadow 2: Fine! Get a new Shadow Number Two!

Shadow 1: Okay, okay. *The Shadows end their huddle.* Okay, alright. Uh, Shadow Number Four! *Shadow!Yuuki turns back to the others.* What’s your favorite kind of tree?

Shadow!Yuuki: *Looking away at some foliage off the trail* Oh my! Forest have lot of good tree. Oak is not tree in forest, but no matter! *The Shadows begin to run away.* Green on trees is over there! Yayayay! No season for tree yet! No bloom for tree also- *Shadow!Yuuki realizes the Shadows are gone.* Hey, wait, you guys!

Cut to a parking lot, where the Shadows are in a silver sedan. Shadow 3 is pressing Shadow 1 to pull away, but Shadow!Yuuki catches up to them.

Shadow!Yuuki: Nonono! Back come! Me is also be a Shadow three!

The sedan pulls out onto the street.

Shadow!Yuuki: We is to have cars?!? Why is we walking all times?!?

Shadow!Yuuki is rushed from the side by Angel and pinned to a tree. He begins to weakly flail at her arm holding him there while whining.

Angel: Shut up, you stupid dummy! Go back to normal or I'm telling daddy!

Otto: ENOUGH! WE MUST RETURN YOU TO YOUR NORMAL STATE AT ONCE!

Bruceton: It’s no use, Otto. He’s gone to the space between spaces.

Otto: EGAD, HE HAS BEEN HYPNOTIZED BY HYPNOSIS! I REQUIRE A WAY TO HYPNOTIZE HIM BACK!

Meanwhile, Shadow!Yuuki continues to flail at Angel's arm.

Edward: *Bringing up his crystal* Here, grab my ball.

Otto: *Closing his eyes* I WILL NOW GO TURNING ME FACE AROUND! THAT BETTER BE WHAT IT BELIEVE IT TO BE OR NO PUDDING FOR YOU! *Edward rolls his eyes. Otto turns around and sees the crystal.* OH!

Otto takes the crystal and waves it in Shadow!Yuuki’s face.

Otto: YOU'RE AN ALL-STAR SMASHER! You’re an internet reviewer. YOU'RE AN ALL-STAR SMASHER!

Shadow!Yuuki: I is brilliant All Star Smasher.

Otto: *Pauses briefly, then continues to wave the crystal* YOU'RE AN ALL-STAR SMASHER! YOU'RE AN ALL-STAR SMASHER!

Shadow!Yuuki: I is All Star Smasher. *He slowly starts waving his head to match the crystal.* You is Otto… You is Angel…

Brad: Alright, we got him back!

Yuuki: *Pulling back his hood and mask* Is going on what?

Rachael: *Monotone* You were hypnotized...Apparently, it seems that they have complete power over the phenomenally weak-minded.

Yuuki: Otto! You is to back came for me!

Otto: YOU WOULD NOT HAVE DONE THE SAME FOR ME EITHER, DUM-DUM!

Yuuki: *Pauses* Me would do now.

Boss: What in the bluest of blue hells are we standing around here for?! There is magic to find and we must find it AT ONCE!

Team 2 leaves. MimeFan pulls off Yuuki's hood and mask.

Yuuki: We is close how?

MimeFan: Pretty close, man. We only got one more place to go.

Cut back to LHM, still watching TV. The Mysterious Person strides in.

LHM: Oh, you here for the quest thing? It’s over there, man.

MP: Where is Jarrold?

LHM: Oh, he got out of the book.

MP: So he’s loose?

LHM: I guess so. *getting up from his recliner* Uh, I’m just going to get some popcorn for Harry and the Hendersons. You want some?

LHM tries to walk past the Mysterious Person, but he grabs LHM’s arm. The MP drops his staff, and looks at LHM.

MP: You made an altar to this god, haven’t you? This god of brightly colored nonsense. Survivor, Lady Gaga, Judge Judy, Glee. Colosseums for the damned. You’d rather watch greater failures make less of a difference than you. That makes you far worse than a soulless talking head. That makes you… a human being.

LHM: I just asked if you wanted some popcorn.

MP: What do you think of the 21st century?

LHM: It sucks except for the technology.

The Mysterious Person attacks LHM and pulls out a human heart.

LHM: Dude, that’s my heart.

LHM falls to the ground. An otherworldly sound fills the scene as the MP grimaces in extreme pain. He races to a nearby bathroom and nearly collapses on the sink. He looks up at the mirror and removes his sunglasses, revealing blacked-out eye sockets. He puts the sunglasses back on.

MP: All right… Less magic. *Still panting from the pain, he leaves the bathroom and collects his staff. LHM is lying on the floor.* Don’t get up. *MP leaves the house.*

Cut to the woods, where Team A is looking demoralized – except for Emily and Pete, who are both looking cheerful.

Tim: So what do we do now?

Harry: I don’t know. I tried giving a call, but I can’t reach anybody.

Tabatha: *Japanese* Maybe an evil witch got in the way of the reception...unlike me! ♥

Harry: *Sarcastically* Yeah, yeah, that must be it.

Billy: Perhaps there was some type of sorcerer’s interference.

Harry: Yeah, could be.

Lee: You know, Harry, to answer the phone, the phone must answer you.

Harry: *Confused* What? I don't even get that.

Suddenly, Brodi gets angry and snaps at the rest of the group.

Brodi: All right, I’ve had it! *She walks a few feet ahead and turns to the group.* Everybody just shut up! Harry, this whole character LARP-y thing didn’t work, all right?! It was a total waste of time! I don’t even wanna find the gauntlet anymore! it’s not worth the effort!

Harry: Oh shut up, Brodi! Stop whining!

Pete: But Little Brodi, what if the Little Mysterious Person finds it?

Dr. Rex: Yeah, from the sound of it, everyone’s going to be screwed if he gets a hold of it.

Brodi: Yeah, but you guys keep wondering "How do we even know this MP guy is still alive? I mean, how could he live for so long?" You wanna know how, Harry?! I told you, it’s magic! And you know what?! You should all be starting to believe it! And just like Link, I’m starting to become sick to death of magic! I’m sick of all these magical idiots using their potions on me. I mean, for God's sake, can’t they use a normal sword?! Can’t they play fair?! And… *Brodi is starting to rant* I’m sick of Zelda never being able to save herself! I always gotta go in and save her all the friggin’ time! And how come whenever I hit a chicken a bajillion other chickens come flying at me! I mean what the hell, or are they just hiding somewhere? Do they have a secret club? I mean... *Brodi starts making incoherent fighting noises* I mean, for God’s sake, if I find the magical turdface who started that chain letter, I’d give him a-

Brodi looks like she's about to throw a punch, but she stops short, with a stunned look on her face.

Brodi: It’s the Mysterious Person.

TJ: What?

Brodi: The Mysterious Person sent that chain letter. He was waiting for someone to go after it.

Harry: She might be right! MP must have been waiting for someone clever enough…

Billy: And greedy.

Harry: And ingenious enough…

Billy: And greedy.

Harry: And determined enough to follow through with it.

Billy: You know, you really are greedy.

Tim: Well, even if that was true, how could he be following us?

Pete: Well, the book said something about a tracking spell. It's possible he’s tracking the map.

Tabatha:: *English* Well, we don’t have the map.

Billy: But Team B does.

Brodi: He must be tracking that to the gauntlet.

Emily: Eek! B-But we can’t conty-tact them!

Lee: Oh no! We've got to get there before they do!

Harry: You’re right! Hilary, inspire us! Say something motivational!

Hilary: I wanna die!!!

Harry: Perfect. Come on everybody. We gotta find that thing and fast. This ain’t no game anymore.

Harry turns around and is shocked to find a mysterious figure resembling Jack of Blades from the Fable series. He speaks in a French accent.

Jack Lookalike: Bonjour.

Billy: Oh, come on!

Jack Lookalike: None shall pass.

Harry: Oh, knock it off, jerkhole! We’re in a hurry!

Jack Lookalike: You are searching for unspeakable power.

Amanda:: And it'd go a lot faster if you got out of the way...NOW!!!

Jack Lookalike:: *The camera is zooming in on him* But a great evil searches for it too.

Tabatha: *English* Sort of why we need to get going.

Jack Lookalike: *Camera even closer* He will never stop until he finds it.

Harry: Okay, enough of this. *Harry pulls his sword.*

Jack Lookalike: *Camera still closer* Your destiny awaits you.

Harry walks up to the Jack Lookalike.

Harry: Eat lead, you fairy dropping!

Harry raises his sword to strike the Jack Lookalike, who blocks it with his arm. The camera spins around to show the Jack Lookalike pulling down his hood and raising his mask, revealing himself to actually be Toon Jamie Maussan.

Jamie: Harry?

Harry: Jamie?

Team A is all very happy to see Jamie, except for Emily, who's become slightly shy upon seeing him, and Dr. Rex, who doesn't even know him. Harry and Jamie hug.

Jamie: Hey, comment ça va? (Translates to: "Hey, how's it going?"

Harry: How you doing, man? Holy smokes, I can’t believe it! What have you been doing with yourself?

Jamie: Oh, I’m an obstacle. You know how it is...

Harry: No kidding you’re an obstacle! Holy smokes!

Emily: U-Um, who is that funny-looking Frenchy man?

Lee: Oh, that’s Toon Jamie Maussan. He used to be a planned character on the roster originally.

Emily: *Smiles brightly* Oh, okay!

Harry: *To Jamie* That thing with your voice, how did you do that?

Jamie: *Dropping his voice low* It's just something I can do, you know what I mean?

Harry: That’s incredible, man, that’s incredible! Oh, it’s great to see ya! Oh, hey, hey, hey. We’re looking for The Mysterious Person’s Hand. Do you know where that is?

Jamie: Well, of course I do. I’m an obstacle, for goodness sake.

Harry: Fantastic!

Jamie: *Pulling down his sword from over his shoulder* Oh, but first you must defeat me in mortal combat.

Harry: What?

Jamie: Oh, touch my sword. *Harry taps Jamie's sword with his own sword.* Oh, I am defeated, Let’s get out of here.

The rest of Team A catches up to Harry and Jamie. Everyone heads down the trail.

Tim: Oh, Mr. Maussan! It’s good to see you!

Jamie: Monsieur Tim Carter? I thought you hated me.

Tim: Tim Carter does hate you, but Conan loves you.

Jamie: Oh, all right then.

Harry: Hey, Jamie, what is the story behind this Mysterious Person guy anyway?

Jamie: Okay, let me fill you in. A long time ago…

Fade to black. To be continued…

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