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Transcript

We open with Mick Ellison flying in a combination Star Wars X-Wing / Babylon 5 Starfury, complete with an R2 unit robot. He listens to a transmission.

Executive: *Vo* Greetings, Matthew. I- Woah. What have you done with the place?

Matthew: *Vo* Do you like it?

Executive: *Vo* Yes. Especially that plant in the corner. Really ties the room together.

Matthew: *Vo* Anyways, we lost Yuuki Ogata, but we may have gotten someone better.

Executive: *Vo* Very well. Ship it via ground overnight delivery.

Mick: Q3, set a new course.

Q3 makes R2-D2's beeping noises.

Mick: We're following the prisoner.

Q3: *Beeps*

Mick: Oh, you're just bitter because I wouldn't buy you that iPad you were flirting with.

Q3: *Beeps*

Mick: Because she was a whore!

Q3: *Beeps*

Mick: You leave my ex-wife out of this!

Q3: *Beeps*

Mick: No, I will not buy you that coffeemaker that sent you the nude photos.

Q3: *Beeps*

Mick: Seriously, Match.com. You might be surprised!

They fly off before we cut to a mourning Caillou, sitting at Harry's dining room table. MimeFan then enters and puts his hand on Caillou's shoulder.

Caillou: I just can't believe he's gone.

MimeFan: You mustn't blame yourself.

He sits down next to Caillou and "comforts" him.

MimeFan: Sure, if you had only jumped in one second earlier, you could have pushed him out of the way. And I'm not going to lie: we would have preferred if you were taken instead of him. But hey, at least you're here safe and sound whilst he's probably being tortured to death. You can take comfort in that, right?

Caillou: GOD! You're horrible at this!

MimeFan: Who knows? Maybe... maybe he's all right somewhere.

Caillou: You don't know that. Lord knows what kind of tortures they're subjecting him to right now.

Cut to an unconscious Bruceton lying on a bed as sultry saxophone music plays. A sexy woman holds a cookie tray, sits down next to him and stuffs a cookie in his mouth.

Bruceton: *Waking up* The hell? I think I'm in the wrong movie.

We then see a white-haired man in a suit, on the other side of the room.

Man: California is rather nice, isn't it? *To the woman* Intern. *Claps his hands* Leave us.

The man motions her to the dorr as she leaves, but not before feeding him a cookie. He then mouths... Call me. ...and does that hand pose where it looks like a phone receiver... you know the one.

Bruceton: *Still wondering what's happening* Who are you?

Man: *Stuffed mouth* My name is- *Coughs* Uh, excuse me. *He finishes his cookie* Delicious. My name is Patrick P. Phoque. I am head of the Worldwide Association of Professional Artists.

Bruceton: I remember you. You're that senator who quit his job and said he'd never become a lobbyist... and then you became a lobbyist.

Phoque: Hmm-hmm. Oh, please! I prefer the term "prank enthusiast," Jarakin.

Bruceton: *Curiously* How do you know my name? And why are you saying it weird?

Phoque: Oh, I know many things about you, young Jarakin. I've been following your career with great interest.

Bruceton: Really?

Phoque: Oh, yes. Your talents are wasted, I'm afraid. The All Star Smashers don't understand your full potential as a trollord. They're afraid of it.

Bruceton: What do you mean?

Cut to them walking through the hallway.

Phoque: You see, Jarakin, we are providing the world with hours and hours of pranking entertainment, the likes of which only the most famous of pranksters such as the cast of Jackass can provide.

Bruceton: And so that gives you the right to pull a prank on anyone who doesn't agree with you?

Phoque: Oh, Jarakin. I love diversity more than anybody, but we have our own interests to think of.

Bruceton: Like with SUGASS.

Phoque: Ah, yes. The Stop the Unstoppable GoAnimate All Star Smashers Act. That is but one method, yes.

Bruceton: But aren't dudes in Hollywood still making record amounts of money by making prank videos on YouTube?

Phoque: Yes, but we can make more. You have no idea how tough it is out there, young Jarakin. Why, I've had to sell off one of my six summer homes. We can barely even afford to pay our own writers.

Bruceton: Hollywood barely pays their writers to begin with. That's why they went on strike.

Phoque: Yes, but now we can afford to pay them even less.

He opens a closet door as Snob looks on.

Phoque: Look at her, young Bradakin.

We see a woman sitting on the floor wearing an office suit, glasses, and chains around her neck while holding a laptop.

Phoque: Can you deny this poor woman her dues?

Woman: *English accent similar to Oliver* Please, sir, may I have a paycheck?

Phoque: Oh, I'm so dreadfully sorry. *In a somewhat sarcastic tone* Pirates.

Phoque shuts the door, leacing her in the dark. We cut to Phoque and Bruceton in a well-lit room, standing in front of a window.

Bruceton: Well, that sucks and all, but... what do you want from me?

Phoque: Your talents are wasted, I'm afraid, young Jarakin. You spend your time pranking your ill-tempered Boss on a daily basis; but, in reality, you can fulfill your dreams of becoming a real celebrity prankster.

Bruceton: What do you know about my dreams?

With remote in hand, Phoque turns on an ad on the TV. Bruceton is surprised to see this:

Woman: Hi, Jarakin. I want to be your head of lighting. *She gives a "thumbs up*

Man: Hi, Jarakin. I want to be your pyrotech.

He lights a cigarette lighter and weirdly stares at it as an explosion occurs behind him.

Bruceton: Woah!

Phoque suddenly pops up behind Bruceton and puts his hand on his shoulder.

Phoque: Think of it, Jarakin. Real lights. Real equipment. Key grips and best boys.

We see more people in the ad, including a cinematographer, a script supervisor, and three more people as production assistants. The last three motion Bruceton to come into their world.

Phoque: Much like poor Sayori, the noose is tightening around the All Star Smashers, Jarakin. If not from us, then from someone else. Here, you'll have a fully furnished apartment, a home to finish writing your magnum opus. *Hands Bruceton a check* Here, I'll even give you a little starting money.

Bruceton: *Incredulous* Is that as many zeroes as I think it is?

Phoque: Oh, I'm sorry. Not enough? Here, let me add a couple. *Writes some more on the check* Just remember: *He pinches Bruceton's cheek* Don't spend it all in one place. *In that sarcastic voice again* Pirates.

He leaves as we cut to a different angle of the room; Bruceton follows.

Bruceton: And what if I refuse?

Phoque: Oh, you're free to leave whenever you wish. All that I ask is that you think about it. Just remember: When you leave... *Pushes a remote turning the apartment hologram off, revealing a holodeck* ... so does the dream.

Phoque leaves leaving Bruceton to ponder. The screen goes black as we see the Plot Hole continuing to grow. We then cut to Harry standing at his window, intently watching the stars roll by.

Edward: *Offscreen* Harry?

At the doorway, he enters the room and stands next to Harry.

Harry: How's Caillou?

Edward: Upset like the rest of us. I mean, what's gonna happen? To Yuuki? Bruceton? To everyone?

Harry: I don't know. I mean, I thought I did but... ever since that plot hole showed up, everything's been... changing.

Edward: Changing?

Harry: What if everything's been building up to this? All the insanity, all the madness, all the chaos in life. What if everything's been building up to just one single choice?

We see a close-up of Harry, as if we're looking on the other side of the window.

Harry: And what if that one single choice falls down to just one person? And what if that one person... is me?

Edward: Well, I can't think of a better person for it to fall upon than you. *He smiles*

Harry continues to ponder as Edward eventually places his hand on his shoulder.

Harry: Don't go Brokeback on me.

Edward quickly takes his hand off. Cut to Hilary sitting on the floor of Engineering in the dark looking concerned. Rachael shows up and kneels across from him.

Rachael: *Monotone* Sigh...Very well, Hilary. What is so important that you needed to summon me about? Because if you wish to give me another chance...

Hilary: It's not that.

Rachael: *Monotone* Oh, please. I want you to give me another chance. I want you to want me to give you another chance.

Hilary: Look. Somebody shut down these torpedoes. And according to the computer banks, the last people with access to the backing controls were Otto and Sonny.

Rachael: *Monotone but confused* But why would either of them do that?

Hilary: I don't know. Maybe without you, he thinks he's got nothing left to live for or something.

Rachael: *Monotone* See, why can you not you be like that?

Hilary: Look. I need you to keep an eye on them. You need to watch what they do.

Rachael: Why are you even asking me?

Hilary: Because... because you're the only one I know who would believe me.

Rachael: *After thinking it over; And of course, monotone* Very well...but I am only doing this for you.

Hilary: Thank you. *Rachael leaves* And be discreet.

Rachael: *Off-screen* Oh, please. I am a ninja.

Cut to her banging on their door, still as emotionless as ever.

Rachael: *Monotone* Hey. Sonny. Otto. Are you two doing anything suspicious or evil in there?

She shrugs and enters to find the two on their intercom, talking to...

Matthew: *Vo* Soon, our evil and suspicious plans will be complete!

Rachael: *Monotone* Hm... *They spot her* What was that?

Otto: We were simply discussing our plans to exterminate the carbon units aboard the USS Exit Strategy, minus him. *Referring to Donny, who laughs creepily*

Rachael: *Monotone* So... does this mean you do not wish for a relationship with me anymore?

Otto: Affirmative.

Rachael: *Monotone but looking relieved* Good.

Otto: We simply wish to turn you into a mindless automaton bent on serving our will.

Donny: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss...!!!!!

Rachael: *Monotone* Sigh...are you certain that is not a relationship?

He holds a drill as Rachael stares blankly at them, when she SHOULD be looking concerned. (Deja vu, much?) Cut to the bridge. The crew is trying to see what's happening in another room, especially Angel, who tries hopping up and down to get a better view. Harry is about to enter the room, but his intercom goes off.

Harry: Hello?

Hilary: Harry. Can I talk to you?

Harry: What is it? *Cut to Hilary in Engineering* We're about to see what Dincent Dan and Brodi put together.

Hilary: I can't talk over an open channel. Meet me in Engineering.

Harry: *Sighs* Really? You want me to come all the way down to Engineering?

Hilary: Just do it.

Harry: *Annoyed* Fine.

He walks across the bridge to a door that leads right to Engineering on the same floor; he enters.

Harry: What is it?

Hilary: We have a saboteur on board.

Harry: A tiger?

Hilary: Not a sabre TOOTH, you idiot! A traitor!

Harry: Oh, Hilary. Come on.

Hilary: I'm serious! Someone is assimilating the crew one by one.

Harry: Nobody is assimilating the crew.

Hilary: How do you know?

Harry: ... OK, fine. I'll call at three random crew members right now. *On intercom* Sonny. Otto. Rachael. Get in here. *Robot noises are heard* We'll see who's crazy.

Harry turns around; he looks nonchalant while Lupa is stunned.

Harry: You three. Have you noticed any suspicious behavior around here?

Donny: NEVAH!!! *Camera pans to...*

Otto: No. *Camera pans to...*

Rachael: *Now dressed like a female RoboCop but in all black and with a robot voice* None whatsoever.

Harry: There now, you see? I told you you were paranoid. Back to your duties.

The three leave with Rachael making slow movements and loud mechanical noises.

Harry: *To Hilary* You know, sometimes you just have to open your eyes.

He leaves, leaving Hilary baffled.

We see Dan and Brodi's finished invention and a sleeping Yuuki on a couch wearing a wired helmet. Harry joins everyone in the room, pushing them out of the way.

Harry: OK, so what is it?

Dan: Well, as best as we can describe, it's a dream amplifier.

Harry: OK, and what does it do?

Dan: ...It amplifies dreams.

Harry: Thank you, Captain Obvious!

Kawaii Krunch: *Gleefully to Dan* Yay! You've been promoted, Dan-san!

Dan: Basically, we can use it to watch the dreams of anyone aboard the ship. And we, of course, plan to use it on Yuuki.

Harry: Uh-huh, and where did it come from?

Brodi: From the voices in our heads!

Edward: *Shocked* I believe that.

Brodi: I also invented these! *She holds up a pair of...* Power enhancing rocket boots! They're like gloves, only for feetsies. I shall demonstrate on... *Looks around to find* GG!

GG: *Screeches* Oh, God! No!

She thrusts the boots with her hands, sending him through the ceiling. She gives them to Harry.

Harry: *Promptly handing the boots to Hilary* The thought occurs to me that this might not be entirely safe. *To Dr. Rex* Doc, what do you think?

Dr. Rex: Donald Trump Jr. is overrated.

Harry: *After a pause* I mean, about Yuuki.

Dr. Rex: Yuuki would agree with me.

Harry: No. I mean, about his treatment.

Dr. Rex: Stop acknowledging Donald Trump Jr. immediately!

Harry: WOULD YOU FORGET ABOUT DONALD TRUMP JR. ALREADY?

Dr. Rex: I'm trying, but... he hunts innocent animals for fun? Really?

Harry: ...Is this thing safe?!?

Dr. Rex: Well, if there's anything sir Isaac Newton ever taught me, it's that there's nothing safer than risking a patient's life with experimental treatment that will surely kill him if I am wrong. *Holds up a pack of pills and pops one* Painkillers?

Harry: Oh, don't mind if I do. Now... *Takes a painkiller and speaks, with full mouth* Who wants to volunteer?

Cut to Oscar being hooked up; this also includes attaching a small gas mask over his mouth.

Oscar: Why do I have to do this?

Dr. Rex: Well, what we need is a blank slate. An innocence of sort. Someone whose brain lengths are so low...

Amanda: *Interrupting* You're an idiot! And if you die, most of us won't miss you. Now, are you allergic to noodles?

Oscar: No.

Tim: Penicillin?

Oscar: No.

MimeFan: Peanuts?

Oscar: No.

Krunch: Henry-san?

Oscar: No

Dan: 12,000 volts of electricity rushing through your motor cortex?

Oscar: *Scared* Very!

Amanda: That's nice.

He turns the machine on, shocking Oscar. He is now in a void of white light and is in human form with bleach blond hair, and is dressed as Neo from The Matrix, complete with sunglasses and leather jacket. Several orange doorways are placed on his sides going on into infinity. He looks around and takes off his glasses.

Oscar: Yay! I'm a human chubby! Wait...where am I?

Dr. Rex: Oscar, you are now in Yuuki Ogata's perception.

Dr. Rex's voice continues as Oscar walks in his new surroundings and examines his new human form.

Dr. Rex: Everything and everyone that Yuuki Ogata has ever known is represented in that realm.

Cut back to the ship. TJ is now holding the bottle of painkiller and offers another painkiller to the crew.

TJ: Painkillers?

Emily: Ooh! Yummy!

She and Harry take one as Donny pushes Tabatha aside.

Oscar enters the door called "Perception." A brick wall appears as Harry appears in a spotlight. We also hear Camille Saint-Saens' Danse Macabre playing.

Perceived Harry: Hello! I'm a compilation of liking adult stuff, being weird and making inappropriate comments!

The real Harry is appalled.

Perceived Harry: Look! I'm making my living by screaming mindless obscenities! Poop! Wet willy! Stop it! I can say words that a fifth-grader learned! Ha ha ha ha! *Wildly laughing*

Harry: I don't sound like that, do I, Finn?

Finn: That's Grand Admiral Finn, and the answer to your question is...

Finn is crushed by a safe. Everyone reacts... by not reacting.

Tim: Clean up.

Angry Boss moves into the spotlight roaring and spreading fireballs everywhere.

Perceived Boss: Hi! I'm obsessed with anger and yelling all the time, probably because my mother didn't hug me enough! Ha ha ha ha ha! *Throws more random fireballs everywhere*

Boss: *Upset* Hey, I love my mama!

Perceived Boss: Ha ha ha ha ha!

The Boss is quickly replaced by Sonny.

Perceived Sonny: Nyeh! Nyeh! I'm a nerd who makes pop-culture references! Don't take me outside or else my skin might sparkle.

Donny: Such an insepid imitaioooon...the repulsive Brother Sullivan's voice is much more annoying and atrocious than that.

Everyone looks at him; he sighs.

Donny: I mean, "I don't sound like that. Nyeh. Nyeh."

Everyone is satisfied, save for Hilary, who motions to Pete to follow her out of the room; they leave.

Harry: All right, enough of this. Oscar. See if you can locate Yuuki's subconscious.

Oscar: This one says "Super Ego."

Lee: *Vo* That's probably how Yuuki views himself.

Krunch: *Vo* Spooky!

Lee: *Vo* Hey, quit hogging all the painkillers!

Krunch: *Vo* Num num num num num num num!

Oscar enters the door into a dark room with a metal-looking device. His eyes soon bug out. Why? Suddenly, a taller, very skinny and nearly naked Yuuki with a mullet and speedo similar to Dune appears.

Oscar: *Shocked* Ew, jeez! For the love of Chubby!

Yuuki continues his dramatic posing.

Oscar: Oh no! Ew. Ew. I don't want to do it again, but I'm vomiting in my newly human mouth.

Harry: Yeah. I'll bet Otto really sympathizes with that. *Looks around to find her* Hey, where'd he go? *The others look around too*

Cut to Hilary and Pete in Engineering.

Pete: Alright, little Hilary?

Hilary: *Handing him the boots* I need help.

The Cheerful Bus Driving Charm is promptly almost on the ground, struggling to get back up since the boots are so heavy.

Hilary: And you're the only one close enough with me to believe me.

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Eventually, he sets the boots off to the side.

Hilary: *At the computer* Is there any way to get a complete transcript of all the internet activity aboard the ship? I tried the usual route, but it looks like it's encrypted now.

Pete: Oh, um, yes. There's a, here- *Takes over for Hilary* There's a back door. *Typing* Right... there. There you go, little Hilary!

Hilary: Woah. Look at all the Hyperdimension Neptunia fanart.

Pete: *Typing fast* That must be little Billy's.

Cut to a dark room. Bruceton enters to see Phoque watching something on TV. Bruceton sits down next to Phoque.

Bruceton: What are you watching?

Phoque: Downfall. (R.I.P. Bruno Ganz)

Hitler: *In the movie* That was an order! Steiner's attack was an order!

Bruceton: You know, it's amazing. When you get down to it, it's really a pretty sad film about how Hitler spent his last days alive.

Hitler: *In the movie* The generals are no more than a bunch of disloyal cowards!

Bruceton: Too bad it's a boring film.

Phoque: Nonsense.

Bruceton: What do you mean?

Phoque: This film was what resulted in a barrage of popular internet parodies in which the great and terrible dictator of Germany was forever harassed by the day to day antics of one Hermann Fegelein and was informed about random news relating to the modern world. By creating this movie, Oliver Hirschbiegel created something else. Something that lives on. Something that will... endure.

Bruceton: *Scoffs sarcastically* You want me to become an expert trollord for you? All I know is crap.

Phoque: Nonsense.

Bruceton: *Sarcastically* Yeah? I have one where I tie them to a chair, and force them to read a screenplay I wrote called "Cannibal Confederates vs. Amazon Girls a Go Go." That's the best I can come up with.

Phoque: *By the end of this part, the camera zooms in on him* Have you ever heard of a director called Uwe Boll? He figured that all you truly needed was the will to create. Through tax-dodge schemes and direct-to-video releases, he figured he could turn any video game franchise into his own personal playground. How ironic that the very things internet critics rail against have made him a cult sensation. No matter what your friends say, people love him precisely because they hate him.

Bruceton: I don't understand. Are you saying Uwe Boll's a trollord

Phoque: Precisely. Fame is fleeting, but infamy lasts forever. It's a technique only a true master can perfect.

Bruceton: ...And I can learn this technique?

Phoque: *Turns to Harry* Not from a President.

Meanwhile, Sonny FINALLY manages to escape his closet and crawls out. Oscar continues to explore Yuuki's mind.

Harry: *Vo* Hey, Dazed and Confused. You gonna make it to Yuuki's subconscious anytime soon?

Oscar: I think I found it, Chubby.

He enters the "Subconscious" door into a dark realm. He sees an image of Yuuki's head with the Plot Hole inside his neck. Everyone looks with intrigue. The Plot Hole eventually takes over the camera angle and suddenly speaks.

Plot Hole: Welcome.

Oscar: Who are you?

Plot Hole: I am the beginning, the end, the intermission. I am the one who is in all places at once.

Oscar: ...Eric?

Harry looks concerned.

Eric: Yes. That is what they used to call me.

Harry: Oscar, ask him what he wants.

Oscar: Eric. What is it that you want?

Eric: ...Harry Bradshaw. All of your questions will be answered if you just bring him to me.

Oscar: Bring him where?

Eric: To the Plot Hole. It is where he belongs. It is where he has always belonged.

Harry ponders, perhaps more so than before.

Eric: It is... his destiny.

Donny motions to Otto and Rachael to turn off something. Rachael does as we hear whirring noises power down... the oxygen in the ship, maybe?

To Be Continued.

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